phone notes of note, V [mary grace allerdice]
Mary Grace Allerdice
we all have trauma. we’ve been born.
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why do i have so much grief in being alive?
joy contains grief.
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because this moment is surrender and profound listening. like a birth canal. we knew where we were going before. and we realize where we are afterwards. but in the birth, it’s dark and scary, tight. not there yet.
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egregore
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witnessing our own death so we can be reborn.
just because something is hard doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
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create new ways of being.
no going back to business as usual.
we are not the most important species on the planet.
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“should” is the thief of pleasure.
change the goal if it isn’t working towards pleasure. just like we could put socks on if our feet are cold.
/how we do things is fragile.
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taxes.termites.
take Jupiter to the vetre-do break
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you are an endless source of creativity. just like god.
“grief is the way love praises what it misses.”
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suffering from lack of imagination
resist resist resist just has us pulling away but we have to CREATE
and artists are the great imaginators… literally their chief skill is to create out of nothing
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reality is made of stories.
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“if you want to know about your past lives, look no further than the present.” thich nhat hanh
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when you don’t make enough money, your time doesn’t belong to you.
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“If money is based on functional ecosystems, the future will be beautiful.” Dr John Liu
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astro fear - when we’re coming at it from the perspective that life is out to get us. as opposed to: things are aligned for our best, our highest good, to help us burn out any seeds that we need to in service of our own liberation.
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love
messy
not all relationships are long term
it’s okay to want what you want
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aquarius wants to intersect with the unknown and bring it into the known.black sheep.
Jupiter wants to understand + succeed.
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lemon
basil
sage
fettucini
walnut oil
almonds
spaghetti
basil
red pepper
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stop apologizing for your desire to be free.
desire’s first call is an invitation for transformation
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simultaneously as we globalize and learn how to cooperate as a global species on this planet, we also have to localize. we can no longer rely on Idaho to make all of our potatoes. we have to cultivate, grow + appreciate what is around us. localize to globalize. no one else is going to look after your land for you.
it is no longer ok that there are farmers and other people who have lawns and use roundup on the weeds, kill the squirrels and go on with our important day. it’s no longer okay and is no longer enough. we are all gardeners now. some may do it more than others, but we can no longer go about our business and ignore the health of the land we are on. we can also no longer milk it desperately for every last drop.
garden it with love. with abundance. how do we garden apart from desperation and control? how do we care in partnership and conversation?
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addiction and distraction - what is the need to medicate in this way?
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the power of transmutation. one feeling doesn’t have to stay that feeling… guilt can become freedom.
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we are not responsible for how our evolution looks to the world
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choosing the soul is expensive → it costs something to our reality and our ego to choose the soul. the material is not necessarily already on board or on the same timeline.
it’s about ALCHEMY -- it’s not “here’s some gold maybe you could turn it into gold?”
it’s.. here are some things. PROCESS. ALCHEMIZE. turn into gold. even good things, amazing things must go through this process if there is to be evolution. maybe it was gold for where you were and now it has to be worked some more to be gold here and now.
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DETOX the idea “i’m fine with it. just for today.” we will not survive as a species if we keep thinking “it’s ok for now, i’ll detox tomorrow. i’ll think about trash tomorrow.”
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make hematite tea
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attention is where we begin to inhabit the future.
october 22, 1974 1036pm
entraining bliss, peace, royalty
SCOTLAND
sesame seedsPleiades 26/27 of Taurus
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what can i do
with what i have
that feels good?
/ “until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” Jung
/ being yourself is not about working hard
/ Giovanni’s Room, James Baldwin
On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous, Vuong
Jean Janet
/ are you in a consensual relationship with everything in your life?
siddhis → half of our DNA we’re not even using
meditation is not a short term solution. it is a long term experiment with neuroplasticity.
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“Bless the poets, the workers for justice, the dancers of ceremony, the singers of heartache, the visionaries, all makers and carriers of fresh meaning -- We will all make it through, despite politics and wars, despite failure and misunderstandings. There is only love.” _Joy Harjo
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i can’t waste any more time feeling like shit.
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birth is a purge.
// i could. but i don’t have to.
// it feels amazing to finally be able to appreciate dissolution. and to experience it from a different place besides trauma.
// difference between working and making things work.nothing that you have to force or “be the glue” for will hold with any integrity. the desire will go out and then the sparkle dies.
// people want fancy spiritual answers. and they’re not fancy. they are correct. our mind wants fancy so it can distract itself from just doing the work. all the answers are the same.
// i felt like i always owed everyone something. like there was a door between me and everyone else and i needed to be chosen, picked, given permission to enter and participate. when actually there is no key to the door. you just walk through and say I AM HERE and i deserve to be here.
// clarity… not to save you from wrong decisions. there are no wrong decisions. there are things we need to learn or things we didn’t know … to be clear on your impermanence, your flow, your seasons, your alignment, your wisdom so you can line up with your dharma, your synchronicities, your destiny which is your freedom.
// i was lost. but i still knew.
// beauty and independence are the medicine.
// cucumbers
chocolate malk
// how do water people
air people
shape shift
stay interested
within “fixed”
expectations?
// paradigm inclusion
// tubercular miasm → “time is running out”
// Joy in life is happiness motivates us to revolt against the life that is destroyed and against those who destroy life. And grief over life that is destroyed is nothing other than an ardent longing for life’s liberation to happiness and joy. Otherwise we would accept innocent suffering and destroyed life as our fate and destiny. Compassion is the other side of the living joy. We don't accuse god because there is suffering in the world. Rather, we protest in the name of god against suffering and those who cause it. _jurgen moltmann
// we’re deprived and frustrated because we aren’t giving our body, nervous systems, any feedback as to how great life is.
// break up with what’s not working.
or it will break up with you.
// “show me yes”
“show me no”
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just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you have to do it.
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there are no rules. only choices.
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embrace your dismantling as a warrior experience.
lessen your emotions of disturbance. and it will dissolve.
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geographical classism
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I AM WORTH NOT WORKING MYSELF TO THE BONE.
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consistent nurturing
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the lie that i’m never working hard enough because i’m not good enough to be chosen.
let everything come to you.
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poetry as survival
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“there is no vale of tears only the vale of soul-making” _Keats
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if you aren’t working on your life, it will work on you.
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embodied
integrated
aware
prosperous
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we have to find a deep resilience in ourselves because no lasting change comes quickly or easily.
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change requires believing in something beyond evidence.
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when we stop looking for what we need(the marvelous)
outside of our experience
then the ordinary becomes manifest with possibilities.
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it rarely (if ever) is about the other person or switching lives
the answer is in your own life in your own envy and discomfort. go UNDER the problem and discomfort instead of trying to transfer it to someone else.
nothing is making you feel any which way. the truth is: this is happening. i feel this way.
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it’s not about managing stress it’s about eradicating the veil of worry and fear that has our personalities and our gifts enshrouded and imprisoned.
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PACIFIC CREST TRAIL
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caretaking default = shadow
to apologize for being queen
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rose
pink pepper
sandalwood
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evolutionary psychologist: it is not survival of the fittest it is survival of the nurtured.
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the lie that beauty is something we have to control
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how do you want to move? is it getting any easier? are you inviting all of yourself?
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we are the body.
and we are god.
i am not detaching from either one.
everything is holy.
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ash
hazel
birch
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WE HAVE DONE THE WORK IN THE VOID
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I CAN’T LEAD IF I DON’T READ.
